THE RETREAT: PART 2

First of all, I’m sorry I’ve taken some time to write part 2. Kindly bear with my mind.

So, while at the Retreat, I got to meet Nimo, Shiku B, Shiku C (I’m Shiku A), Shishi, Dan, Phillip, Liki, Dann, Ken and Tony, just to mention the few. These are the guys who welcomed me with open arms and made me feel like I was home away from home and for that I’ll be forever grateful. I got to have another support system and people who can catch me when I’m about to fall.

So as I said in Part 1, ciggarettes weren’t allowed in the institution right? But tell me why a few weeks later, Dan offers me a ciggy. Who am I to say no, besides, what’s the worst that could’ve happened if we got caught. Living in the moment, lol. So Dan was the plug for ciggs. Us girls, (Nimo, Shiku B and Shiku C) would wake up between 12 AM and 2AM to smoke in our bathroom. I know, what we were doing was wrong but seriously guys, aaaiiiii.

During the day, I’d go to the laundry area, stand where the cameras wouldn’t see us and smoke up a bit. So question is how did we get ciggys? There was a shop about 2kms away. So people used to jump over the fence and go get ciggs then come back. And no, it wasn’t some fancy brand. My friend we were smoking SuperMatch, but they were Kingsize so we couldn’t really complain. And the head rush was maaaadddd….

So we had sheep in the compound grazing and shit, then there was this ram that was easily irritable. People would try to chase it or hit it and that just made it even angrier. So this day, it was a calling day, (yes we were allowed to call home or anywhere 3 times a week), some guy called Mathenge was on phone and the ram ran after him and hit his thigh, he then flew and hit the tree. We tried to go help him but he said he was okay. Trying to play it cool and shit. Lying there like he was on a beach or something.

Steve

So tbh, I died of laughter at how he had posed. I couldn’t help myself and he seemed fine to us. Anyways, fast forward to the evening, I see Mathenge and his foot is all swollen plus he’s limping. I ask wassap and he’s like the ram hurt him. If I remember correctly, when he flew and hit the tree and when he was hit by the ram, it was on his thigh, not foot. But hey, that’s none of my business. I mean I’m no doctor. Only for us to find out later that he jumped over the fence to go get ciggs, and when he was jumping back, he fell and hurt his foot. All this was caught on CCTV cameras but he’s gone with the story about being hit by the ram.

Anyways, we get our ciggs and continue with out late night/early morning wake and smoke up. So Mathenge was taken to hospital and even got a cast, when he came back he was causing a scene, threatening to sue the company for negligence or some shit like that. My friend, alidungwa stopper. A stopper is an injection or a tablet that once in your body, makes you pass out for about 24 hours straight. Also before you black out, it’s like you’re drunk. I rememeber some guy was brought on a stopper telling us when he was in the van on his way to the Retreat, he thought he was in a club cause the music was loud and it was dark. He was even telling one of the nurses, thinking it’s a waiter, ‘Leta Tusker mbili baridi’. He thought he was living his best life, LOLEST!!!!

Anyways, so Mathenge’s family was called to come for a family session and they were shown the CCTV footage after Mathenge had told them that he got hit by the ram. It was such a big deal people wanted the ram to be tied up at a spot where it would not be in contact with people. So his family just left and told him to finish his 45 days. You can do 45, 60 or 90 days depending on your doctor.

Then this time all ladies were called by some Head of Department, we knew we were safe cause we hadn’t done anything wrong. Kumbe some bitch ass nigga snitched that the girls wake up to smoke in the middle of the night. This is after some guys were caught smoking behind the laundry area. SO during the meeting this lady calls us all out and is like ‘I know you have ciggarettes and you have been smoking. The boys have told me they want us to provide them with ciggarettes, so what do you ladies want.’ Of course at first we kept quiet then we just apologised and said we won’t be caught in such a situation again. Tell me why 5 minutes after that meeting we were all craving a smoke.

So then came this girl, lets call her Bianca. So Bianca knew I was the custodian of the ciggarettes and one time when we were all at Bible Study, she went through my wardrobe, found our ciggs and took all of them. All 15 of them. Aaaahhh, I was so ready to throw hands. But by the time I confronted her about it, she had already shared them out among the guys. So I told my friend Kamau to keep an eye out, if he saw or smelt anyone smoking a Dunhill (yes, we we priviledged enough to have Dunhills, it was kind of a big deal then), he would come and tell me. I approached the guys who were seen smoking Dunhills and they all said they were given by Bianca.

So a few days later, I called for a room meeting among us ladies to talk about a few issues here and there, including the missing items. So I told Bianca I knew she’s the one who went through my shit and told her never to do it again or else I’d have to let management know. She was told the same by my other roomates and we made peace.

Also, there was a rule, clearly stating that there should be no fraternization within the institution. But you know they’re always those people always horny like fucking rabbits. Kwa shamba, kwa rooms, during movie time, almost everywhere. Well I won’t get into that because I don’t want to get into trouble. All I can say is YUCK!!

Oh I forgot to mention, one of the resident councellors, his name is Les. After Mathenge’s family wanted to leave, remember that story, this guy with a cast and crutches, tried to enter the car and leave. Mind you Les is an ex rugby player, so you can imagine his big body. Lol. Mathenge alibebwa juu juu my friend. Like a leaf. It was so hilarious aki. And he got another stopper. Wueeehh, from then he tuliad until his 45 days were over and he left all peaceful and shit.

That’s all for today folks. The next one, proably last one, I’ll be talking about how I worked the program and what my thoughts are on it. Also, today is 4 months and 2 days sober for me. Yaaaayyyy.

Thanks for reading,

Ronnie 🙂

THE RETREAT: How I got there

Hey guys, for my few followers and friends, thank you for keeping posted. Sorry I haven’t written in a while but I’m back. I’m back with a juicy story about my life for you. Hope you’ll enjoy.

happinessSo since last year August, I had been going through a rough time, with my life, family, which led to the detirioration of my mental health and led me to drinking excessively. And by excessively I mean like 3 quarters in a day.

At that time, I couldn’t really point out what was bothering me, so I didn’t know how to ask for help. My only solution was drinking because I’d drink a lot, get drunk, blackout, wake up the next day, repeat. It’s by Gods grace that I finished that semester and did averagely well in my exams.

So in January I decided to take a semester break, tried getting a job but I went for the interview while I was intoxicated, so for sure I didn’t get the job. I had lost all hope in life and was ready to end it all. As I would say, ‘Lord, I am not one of your strong soldiers. I will end it all’. I was ready to call it quits on this thing called life. So with no care at all, I tried to commit suicide but failed. I mean everything else in my life fails, also trying to end it all fails. Lol. Nilikuwa pabaya.

On February 4th, my mum and aunt woke me up, and as hangovered as I was, I was curious to hear what they wanted to say. They explained how much they cared for me and wanted me to get help. But at first I was hesitant. How could I get help if i didn’t know what it was with me that needed help? Does that make sense? Well, at that point I had lost all hope and was just going with the flow. So they convinced me to give it one more try and I agreed.

I was told to pack clothes for 2 weeks then head out. And on our way we went. In my bag, I sneaked in a few ciggarettes and Gin quarter. Hahaha, trust Ronnie to be that person.

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The Retreat Center, Limuru

So we get there and on the gate they’re these signs written, ‘No alcohol, No ciggarets, No phones’. And a bitch had all 3, I had made sure my phone was charged to 100%.  I didn’t tense because I had a ‘don’t care’ attitude at that time. We enter, do the paper work, then I had a session with one of the counsellors’ to talk about what had brought me there. I’ll save you all that info, so blah, blah, blah, fast forward.

I’m checked in and my mum and aunt leave. So here I am in a new place. Luckily for me, my room mate Nimo was so accomodating and she seemed like a great person. So her and my other roomate introduce me to some new people and on day 1, I made some friends.

I told Nimo and the rest how I was only doing 2 weeks. They asked if I’m doing NHIF and I said yes. Tell me why these people started laughing at me. Apparently if you were paying via NHIF, you’re expected to do 90 days, yaani 3 months. I was in shock. Like FML. What did I just sign myself up to. Sigh.

So the program was pretty basic, breakfast at 7:30AM, morning meeting at 9:00AM. The morning meeting entailed saying the serenity prayer, ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.’ After we read from a book called Just for Today, then someone would give their on-going recovery. This is where one gives a brief explaination of how they got there, how the program is so far and what they expect to gain by the end of the program.

I did my on-going a few days later. Oh! I forgot to mention that just before I went there, i fell flat on my face while drunk and had an injury on my lip, plus it was swollen. So you can imagine how embarrassing it was to be asked by strangers what happened to my lip and have to explain. I had 2 options, either say the truth ot lie. But I told the truth. Little did I know that this would come in handy while working the program.

So the classes were divided into 3. Class 1 was about mental health awareness. Class 2 was about substance use disorders. Class 3 was about preparing you to go back into the real world cause tbh, it felt like we were in a bubble. We had TV access but that was pretty much it.

So I worked the program and found out about some underlying issues that I didn’t even know I had. Got to work on how to deal with my triggers, distress tolerance, assertiveness and self-esteem which were like my major issues.

All in all, I’m back home, happy, healthy and ready to take this new path in my life. My mental health is doing so much better and my relationships with friends and family is as well. I’m grateful for my experience at The Retreat and would highly recommend it to anyone out there.

Recovery is a journey, not a destination and it’s okay to ask for a little extra help. Also your willingness and actions will determine your well-being.

Side note, if you wanna hear about all the drama and more about my experience at The Retreat, leave a comment and I’ll write it up on my next post.

Anyways, lemme sign out.

Stay safe my loves 🙂

With love,

iAmBoodha.

My insanity.

HerArtBeat

Have you ever had anyone write about you? To you? For you? No? That’s amazing, because this is about to be a first. A first for you and a first for me. I’m not sure how this whole writing raw and unmediated will turn out but let’s see, I don’t intend to be heavy handed with my words, there’s no storyline , I just want to get it off my chest.

16 • 02 • 2019

We literally just talked. If my memory serves me right, it has to be the fourth longest conversation we’ve ever had. Then it got to that point where you no longer reply for whatever reason it is. And I am not going to lie…the first time it happened, y’know the whole you leaving me on read thing, I was crushed. I felt it deep in my core. I still remember it like it was…

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On Monday, I just spent my day in bed watching movies and blacking in and out. A whole day. Did I have work? Yes. Do I hate my job? No, infact I love what I do. But I didn’t have a fuck to give. I did not care a bit. I just needed to take a break. I just wanted to be alone and stay in bed. So I did. If this isn’t depression creeping up on me, well then fuck my life. But this can’t keep happening. I need to be stronger or I’ll lose my job, (which at this point tbh, isn’t such a bad thing, but I’ll hop on the suicide train, again).
So hoping to have a better day tomorrow and make it to work.

The Story About I

21st _Century_Romeo

Sshhh listen give me your ears
And let me paint a story for your eye
The story about someone I call I

Back in the day,
when my hair didn’t need dye
They bent me till I wanted to die

They told me I was fat and ugly
That no one would ever love me
And each night,
when the moon was up in the sky
I’d sit and think till tears rolled down my eye

I tried to run,
man I wished I could fly
But we were trapped in a dance, the devil and I
At one point,
Wait
At every point, I wanted to die

That was till I met you,
The apple of my eye
Told me there was none
None more special than I
And I believed with every fibre of I

It was good, you made I laugh
We’d go to our favorite spot…

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Subtle art of living.

LIFE. It’s not always fair to us, but we survive.

Sometimes, you wake up early in the morning, feeling like today is the day. You get ready to start your day, whether it’s work or school or whatever it is you do. You look forward to being out there, to interact with colleagues or classmates, to see your best friends, to get the courage to talk to your crush. You take selfies to remember how happy you are and also just because you’re feeling sexy AF.

The day goes by, nothing but positive and good vibes all around you. Literally nothing can bring you down. One of your friends might say something really annoying but you’ve decided to have a great day. Probably you haven’t performed very well in a project or something, but you tell yourself there’s always room for improvement. On your way home, you’re walking and someone bumps into you, hurts your shoulder and walks away, but you let it go because you’ve had a great day. You get home and just before you sleep, you reminisce on how your day was amazing.

Remember the person who walked into you, let’s look at his day.

He was probably up all night because he couldn’t sleep. Insomnia. He tried to be constructive but he just didn’t have the energy to do anything. His alarm goes off at 6:00A.M, because he has work or school but he snoozes it, if not switching it off, covers himself and gets lost in thought. Before he knows it, it’s 8:00AM. He contemplates whether to get out of bed or stay there. It’s a very tough debate but he eventually gets out of bed. Doesn’t care what he wears, he barely eats anything cause he doesn’t have an appetite and just like that he leaves for work/school.

Once he gets there, he’s late and everyone knows it. He’s asked why he’s late and he can’t explain it so he says something like there was traffic, or he was involved in a small accident, a lie to get people off his back. He goes ahead to do what he’s supposed to for the day. Doesn’t want to interact with anyone. Friends try to talk to him but he gives them one word answers and awkward silence till they leave him alone. He’s offered lunch and he says that he’s a;ready eaten. Another lie to get people off his back.

It’s 4:00PM, one more hour he thinks to himself. He realizes how people around him are so happy. Mary his friend, just got engaged and is expecting a baby. John just got a promotion. Lucy’s boyfriend came to pick her for lunch and bought her a new car. Generally everyone around him is happy and he just doesn’t understand why or how.

As he heads home, he decides to walk so as to avoid meeting his friends who would definitely invite him to hang out. All alone, the thoughts of how alone he is go through his mind. How his previous relationship failed. How he lost his dog. How he’s the disgrace of his family. And OH! He walks into you but doesn’t even realize it so he walks on. Numb to anything other than his thoughts.

He gets home, looks at some old family pictures on a shelf. He sees how happy he was in one of them but he feels nothing. Not even that memory flashes before him. He heads to his bedroom, closes the door behind him and numbly locks it. He stares at his hands for long minutes before breaking. He gasps for a breath, silently sobbing about everything that has gone wrong all at once. Everything that is wrong with him, the world and everything he just can’t deal with. Then he deals with it the only way he knows how. He takes deep, exhausted, shuddering breaths as he cries himself to sleep. The next morning he wakes up huddled in a corner of his bed with a sore neck, a pounding headache and swollen eyes, but he gets out of bed like any other morning.

These are two phases probably all of us go through in life. Some of us it might be on the regular but for others it’s once in a blue moon. Fact remains, it happens and this thing called life doesn’t have a manual to at least show us how to handle such situations.

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There are people out there who think that mental health is a joke. They even go to say, “It’s all in the mind.” Yeah, they’re right. It actually is all in your mind. But sometimes you have no control over it. You can’t talk to anyone about it because you think you’re just bothering them or if you actually can, sometimes it just doesn’t feel like they get you.

So how do you deal with these demons? Some say you’ll get over it and that it ends. But when? When you overdose on the pills, look to the rope and chair, jump off a cliff or in front of a car? You’re right. That’s the only way this pain can end. The grief, the hurt, the darkness and emptiness inside. But there’s another choice. We can learn to live with it.

Every time something good happens to you, note it down. Take a photo. If you feel the sadness approaching because sometimes you literally feel it coming, stop what your doing and talk to someone or do something that brings you happiness. Have you ever thought that maybe people who we say are addicted to certain things actually have something they’re running away from and instead seek for solace in other things? Yeah me neither. It literally just came to me and makes sense.

To cut this long story short, we all have problems and will always have problems. Life is basically a problem that if you fix, will bring forth another problem. There’s no way to escape it therefore we must learn to live with it. I can’t tell you how because we’re all so different. So find that thing that gives you peace of mind and hold on to it. You’re all alone for a reason. Be comfortable being alone and you’ll have achieved something great in your life.

Depression, Anxiety, Anorexia, Bulimia, only to mention a few, are some really serious issues. So always have an open mind if someone comes to you with such. Be willing to help. Never judge them because it must’ve taken a huge step for them to mention it to you.

Lastly, love yourself and love one another.

Well hello there August, please be good to us.

#happyKid.:)

CHAPTER 2!

If you’re a loyal reader, by now I’m pretty sure you’ve realized that I only write when I’m feeling emotional. Whether it’s joy, fear, anticipation, anger, disgust, sa…

Source: CHAPTER 2!

CHAPTER 2!

If you’re a loyal reader, by now I’m pretty sure you’ve realized that I only write when I’m feeling emotional. Whether it’s joy, fear, anticipation, anger, disgust, sadness, trust or surprise, just to mention a few, I’ll always have something that I need to get off my chest.

February is coming to an end. Let’s see how it’s been shall we.

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Basically that’s how it began. Like January was so weird. Trying to figure out what to do next. According to society, at my age I’m expected to be in school. Ha-Ha. Society-0, Ronnie-1. I got to start an internship at some IT firm and this is my 2nd month there. New friends, new experiences, I mean everyday is a new learning experience. I feel so psyched that it has gotten to the point where I’ll look down on school. Don’t get me wrong, this is just my opinion yeah. 4 years in University to study a single Degree and after, get a job. How many graduates are there out there who still have no jobs? The lucky few who have gotten jobs, are they using every skill they learned during those 4 years, does it make them better off than the others there who probably haven’t even gone past a Diploma but have had a work experience for even 2 years? For shit I don’t think it does.

With my 2 months experience, I believe I’m learning more about life than I would if I was in a class for 2 months studying. As a matter of fact, I’m still studying here. Learning to communicate better by interacting with clients, both those who are good and the difficult ones. Finding out how technology is changing for the better. Sometimes I feel like maybe I’m rushing to grow up, so I’d want to take it a bit slow.

To go by the societies expectations and go back to school, or just continue with what I’m doing right now? That’s the big question.

That aside, I’ve learned to appreciate people, apologize when I’m wrong, forgive people when they wrong us. Live to be happy. It really does make life worthwhile and you have something to look forward, like when I know I’m meeting my best friend, like any problem I might have been dealing with just disappears because I know I’m going to be with someone who makes me happy all day, ery’ day. 🙂

Find yourself that person, the relief, someone who can be your escape, your peace. But it’s never limited to just one person. If you have more than one, you have higher chances of always being happy and filled with positive vibes.

Goodbye February, Hello March. Kindly be good to us.

#BirthdayLoading…:)

#happyKid

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1.

January, the first month of the year, first page of a new chapter in all of our lives. We all get excited for the new year, but for what reasons? Some have new years resolutions that they want to achieve before the year ends and very few actually achieve them fully which is just sad because next year they’ll do the same thing. Damn Danielle, back at it again with the ‘New Year, New me’ bullshit. But let’s not forget that some of us actually do achieve our goals because they are realistic, S.M.A.R.T goals. All the best to both though.

January, almost over and so far, if you look back at the 3 weeks that you’ve had in 2017, are you proud of who you are today?

I personally didn’t expect to be where I am today. And it’s amazing how when you’re at your worst, when you completely give up and just don’t want to live anymore, God gives you more reasons to be here. He shows you that it’s not yet time to give up. If you do something and it doesn’t work out the way you want it to, once, twice or even thrice, you need to give up. Not just give up and sit there doing nothing. Give up on it because you’re just wasting time but find something else to do. Something else that you love and have a passion for. With passion comes the sacrifice, because you know and you’re sure that by the end of the day you’ll have achieved something. No matter how small.

Appreciate the people around you. Every minute, a new life is born and a life is lost. Don’t take people for granted because what if they’re not here tomorrow? Or in an hour? Do you really want to regret not telling that person something you wanted to or would you rather appreciate the time you got to spend with them?

I made a personal decision to be happy. That’s all I actually want in life. What is my goal? My goal is to be happy. Ask me what I want, I just want happiness. And to get my happiness, the people around me also have to be happy. A simple smile can change someone’s day. You don’t know people’s demons so you have no right to judge them but instead, just make everyone around you happy. Do you know how many lives you might have saved by just being a part of someone’s life? Putting a smile on someone’s face?

Anyways, 2017 better be good to us. If it’s not, let’s all just try to see the small things and appreciate them. Let’s show 2017 that we are better.

#happyKid

🙂happiness

Demon – the adjective 

😊😊 always inspiring

missmwang

The title might seem directed but I want you to understand that I mean possessed.

There are different kinds of phobia, I’m sure everyone has one but I never thought I’d fall victim of pistanthrophobia. I’ll save you the trip to the dictionary, it means fear of trust. It has become my biggest demon.

Sometimes phobia is in born but mostly it’s out of experience. Whatever the case, there’s only so much one can do about it, avoid or overcome. It is at this point that I decided to combine both solutions in penance. Not a great idea.

The thing about revenge is that you’ll always get hurt. And if it’s self inflicted the torture comes in both ways and it’s only a matter of time before you become a sucker for pain.

The problem with this path is that it’s infinite. It has no end once you start. Every…

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